Me and My Shadow

Pepsi sleeping during faculty meeting

Dear Pepsi,

Today would have a good day to stay in bed and listen to the wind and rain, watch  movie or sleep. If it weren't for an all day faculty meeting we would have done just that. After breakfast and pills we dashed out of the house and were dripping wet by the time we walked into the meeting. Leaving the house with you feels like it did when I had babies, so much to carry and too few hands, making repeated trips back and forth to the house. tAnd then repeat the process getting out of car with you on leash. We are getting the system down though. Besides, wherever we go you bring smiles to people's faces and they love to pet and coo over you. And who can blame them? 

Finding your spot

After the meeting we came home so I could meet with one of my graduate students. I ask people to meet me at home whenever possible so you can rest and relax in your own home. My student offered to watch you so I could go the gym and I took her up on it. I informed her of the warning signs and told her not hesitate to call me if she had concerns, I would only be a few blocks and minutes away. I don't like leaving you, even for a few minutes. Maybe I am hyper vigilant, or perhaps not; however, I cannot take any chances. I completed my work out in 45 minutes and headed right home. You greeted me at the door with your sisters as you always do, barking with excitement. Anne said she was worried for a few minutes because you went upstairs to the bathroom to lay down. I assured her that has always been your go to space; however, since it's where we found you in distress it always feels like a warning sign now when you are in there. She also said the three of you stood by the front door looking our for 20 minutes after I left and she snapped a funny picture to show me.

Waiting for mom to come back

You have also been the darling of the Air BNB guests staying downstairs. They love to sit on the floor and play with you, Pandy and Pearl. Of course you love the attention and paw for more and more love. I am sure I will have you to thank you for any good reviews I get.

  

 Adoration from all the guests!

Here's the deal though Pepsi, I am guarded every minute when it comes to you. I am afraid to get too optimistic because you are tolerating the chemo well so far. When you are sleeping or resting I worry you might go into distress. I wonder if I am missing a sign that you are faltering. Even if what you are doing is what you always do I read my fears into it. My body and mind are on a heightened alert 24/7. When I find myself acting normal I feel like I might be getting too comfortable. I lay down and listen to your breathing. I stare into your eyes. I rarely let you out of my sight. I talk to you incessantly. I wish I could breathe you into me so I could keep you as safe and close as possible. 

 Always my wing girl

I know I have to let the levity in or it will bad for both of us. My worry will transfer to you and you will end up being worried for me. This happened when Jonathan was in 6th grade and I was fighting the school district special education department for a private school placement. I knew the consequence for him as a black male was dire if we didn't get him to a school where he was respected and could thrive academically and socially. For five months I spent every waking minute doing nothing other than work on his case. One evening I was sitting and thinking so hard my head hurt. I looked up and Jonathan was staring back at me. It felt as if we were transferring our thoughts, energy, and emotions straight through to each other. There was no separation. It crushed me to think he had entered my burden and worry, and I am certain he felt the same. No words passed between us, nor did they need to. Happily we won that battle and I saved my son from a certain fate that would have pushed him to a place he where might not have been retrievable. I know I cannot win this one completely for you, but I am doing everything possible to effect the best possible outcome. And as with Jonathan, I am using every fiber of my being. You deserve nothing less. 

Rena and Peps

Making room for Pandy

Tonight as I sat down to write you were in your other usual spot, the futon chair in my office/studio. I glanced over at you and saw Pandy trying to determine of there was room for her to join you. I got up to move a throw pillow and called her to jump up. She curled up next you and let out a contented sigh. Pepsi, you are a magnet drawing in love and positive energy. And then you emanate it for the rest of us to bask in. You have brought me to the present in ways I have never experienced. I even see things in my own paintings I never noticed before. Having you with me non stop has amplified and simplified my life at the same time. I look over and see you beside me and I am overcome with gratitude and joy. This is everything I say to myself. I will do my best to accept the good, one day at a time and with grace. For you, for me and everyone we love. Years ago I read this quote and it resonates more than ever these days.

"Every moment is enormous and it is all we have" 

Natalie Goldberg, Long Quiet Highway: Waking Up in America

Your love is my daily reminder.

Love,

Mom

And Pandy Makes Three

Our Pandy girl running at the beach 

Dear Pepsi,

I know you were happy with it being just you and Pearly. I was happy as well; however, my heart strings were tugged when I heard the story of Pandy's short and difficult life. She lived under a trailer with her mom and sister, frequently picked up by animal control until her owner paid for them to be released, only to get picked up again. Finally he left them at animal control who called the Golden Retriever Rescue to come get them. When we went to visit her she was terrified and jittery. When I approached her she ran. She had no interest in playing with you or Pearl. She was broken and had zero trust. Your dad was with us that day, and even though he lived in the Bay Area, he said let's take her. Of course the "let's" meant "us". Her foster parents were very nice and I could tell the mom, Keena, was struggling with letting her go. When Aunt Diane and I went to pick her up, Keena was crying. I told her she could change her mind, I hadn't made a full connection yet and I would understand. She paused and then reluctantly handed her over and in that momentary transfer she became ours.  

The trio at Higgins beach

I know you were not thrilled when she would try to cozy up to you. In the beginning you would jump off the bed or couch, snub any attempt she made to be close to you. You only played with Pearl while she stood by watching. Pandy didn't know much about toys or how to play with them, even at 8 months. Noises would make her jump and  she ran if you tried to put a leash on her. She got car sick every time we went somewhere so I had to be sure not to feed her before we went to the park. Just about everything terrified her. While Pearl was happy to play with her, you were still Pearl's first choice. I can't recall when you began to let her lay next to you but you slowly warmed up to her. She wore you down. You even started to paw at her when Pearl didn't want to play, which was a grand overture on your part. Over time you came to be a threesome with Pandy starting to trust us as a family. Of course she still runs out the dog door when the toaster beeps, the freezer door is opened,  I pull out the vacuum cleaner or hairdryer, but you know what I mean, she has come a long way.

Three sisters hanging out

When I first brought Pearl home I felt guilty that I didn't love her as much as you. I confessed this shameful secret to your vet who assured me in due time I would. And I did, my love for Pearly is different but as deep.  When I brought Pandy to our family I had similar concerns; however, I also had dark thoughts that if something happened to you or Pearl at least I would not be left alone. My cousin Joy said she purposely staggered her dogs for that reason. I know no one could replace you, or Pearly for that matter. Some holes will never be filled. You are all one of a kind, but you are also the first of this extended pack. You are the matriarch and reign supreme. Pandy glows when you show her attention or let her cuddle near you without moving away, which is great because I love falling asleep with the three of you surrounding me.

Sleeping tight

We grow our hearts big to love more than we think ourselves capable. We did that when Pearly came to us after the devastating loss of Maddie, and we did it again when Pandy joined our family. Love heals the wounded like Pandy who have endured cruelty and need to learn to trust again. You withheld for a while but ultimately let her in and we are the better for it. Thanks for that baby girl.

Love you so much,

Mom

East Meets West: Holistic Treatment Day

Pepsi getting acupuncture treatment from Dr. Stuer

Dear Pepsi,

Today was a good day. We woke up happy for starters. Mom want to Pilates and felt okay about leaving you alone for an hour. You flew down the stairs to greet me when I came home, full of energy and excitement. Every time I grace this doorway and see your happy face is gift. After breakfast we went to your favorite park, I met with a student and then we were off to the holistic vet, Dr. Stuer. The staff at the vet hospital sang his praises when we scheduled the appointment. I was impressed that a holistic vet was on staff and reassured we were in the right place. When Dr. Stuer came out to greet us his energy put me at ease and I felt safe for the first time since we found out you were sick. In the exam room he expressed his sorrow and then began to talk about holistic treatment. When he found out you have been eating raw for 5 years he was ecstatic - preaching to the choir he said and we did a high five! 

Close up of the acupuncture

When he examined you I felt relaxed, even hopeful. He ran his hands over your body, closed his eyes and took deep breaths. He took his cues from you. He felt the heat emanate from your body and where to put the needles. There is a stuckness and inflammation he said, and it's all about the blood flow. While did the acupuncture he talked about how Golden Retrievers have high rates of cancer and a Golden Retriever study that his two Goldens are participating in. http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/study-underway-shrinking-lifespans-golden-retrievers-article-1.2212563  It is shocking to learn about the shortened life expectancy for your breed.  My Golden Molly lived until 14 years old and was only put to sleep because of hip dysplaysia, which if she were alive today could have been corrected by surgery. He also gave me an article about the positive outcomes of Yunnan Baiyao, which you have been taking since you went to the ER last week. After acupuncture he prescribed Chinese herbs, probiotics, and an immune booster. I actually felt uplifted after seeing Dr. Stuer, which I really needed. I walked out of the clinic feeling that no matter what happens, I did everything possible for you. I need to feel that way baby girl, or I could not live with myself.

Peps in her passenger seat, rolling with mom.

Managing this illness and treatment is time consuming. My day revolves around you. There is no time to spare between work, your appointments, medications, filing claims, and daily tasks like cooking or taking the garbage out. I started an online bootcamp program the week before you got sick, and while I have not been doing the workouts much, I am cooking healthy food for myself and not slipping into a sugar coma out of despair. I am trying to take care of both of us and your sisters (barely). I have neglected them but if you continue to tolerate the chemo over the next few days, we will start going to the beach again together. Tonight as I filled out claim forms for your insurance (trying to stay on top of it) I thought of how much my life has changed since you were diagnosed. I turn down dinner invitations, keep the house quiet, and focus my energy on you. This blog is a way for me to cope and stay regular in an irregular situation. I have shed everything except what is absolutely necessary. You have filled my heart, my head and all the space in between. I am single focused. I am present. I feel moments in a big way. I am fighting for you and in that I find some peace. During Pilates this morning when the moves felt too difficult I worked harder by telling myself I was kicking the ass of those cancer cells in your body. You are my endurance, my strength and power to push on. You fuel me. I will not cave. 

Peps at Higgins Beach bringing on the joy

You are the bringer of joy. I am not just carrying you baby girl, you lift me. Our time together is thick and textured. We are compressing several lifetimes into each minute, bridging worlds, treatments, hope and despair. It would never be enough no matter how long but we will make the most of whatever we have. But today was a good day, right baby girl? As far as tomorrow, I agree with Dr. Stuer, no one really knows.

Love,

Mom

Where I go, You Go

Good morning to your toy!

Dear Pepsi,

I was so happy when we woke up this morning and you were so chipper. I have to admit, I was scared last night, you seemed so tired I carried you up the stairs. I told Rena how terrified I felt about the chemo and the thought of loosing you. I am here alone I told her, and Pepsi's wellbeing rests soley on my shoulders. I want to be sure I am always acting in your self interest. I felt dread again when I gave you the chemo pills. I took you to class at the mural site and you pulled me to greet the students. As always, you were the star of the show with everyone wanting to pet you. When it was time to leave I had to lure you to the car. I know what everyone is thinking - how can a dog so apparently healthy and active have a terminal disease? I have no answer and it infuriates me. What I do know is your spunk and joy are contagious, and you bring a smile to everyone who crosses your path, which is a lot of people since where I go, you go. 

Greeting mom's students at the mural site

Our next stop was Staples to buy a printer. You stroll in like you own the place Peps! The sales staff and customers bend down to pet and talk to you,  gushing over your good looks and personality. I realize how much fun it is to be with you most of the day, having so much quality time together. I feel guilty for leaving your sisters at home but somehow they know something is up because they don't even bark anymore when we leave the house. Dogs never cease to amaze me, reminding me it is a mistake to underestimate their capacity for understanding, and you are certainly no exception. We made one more pit stop at your favorite park for you to run and do your business, which I am more careful than ever to pick up because of the chemicals in your treatment. It was a brisk fall day, almost blistery, with the colorful fallen leaves blanketing the grass. I dug my hands in my pockets and  watched you roll around in the grass and trot across the park. I closed my eyes and lifted my head towards the sun, inhaling the fresh air. I wanted to freeze us in time as I thought This is as good as it gets, watching Pepsi be happy. 

Staples printer shopping

Enjoying the park

I came home to work for a few hours before our vet appointment. You climbed on the chair and watch me work in between napping. I like being able to turn my head slightly to the left and seeing you. I feel so grateful to be able to work at home most of the time so I can keep a constant eye on you. I give you some kisses, listen to you breathe, and your stomach growl. Time feels dense now, thick and potent. Its as if the tide could turn at any moment, therefore I am at a heightened vigilance.  I want to fold as much of you as possible inside me so you will never really leave me. And even when you do leave, you will not really be gone.

A funny thing happened this afternoon while you were on your chair. I looked over and Pandy was cuddled next to you. Strange I thought, you typically never share that space, maybe for Pearl, but not for Pandy. You seemed happy enough with the arrangement, not jumping out of the chair as you usually do. Only the FedEx driver leaving a package caused you both to pop up and dash downstairs to bark. I could watch you three go about your daily lives in this house and be perfectly happy and amused. I used to long for travel and now all I want it to stay home. Before long it was time to go to the vet and then class, and you were excited to tag along once again. The check up at your regular vet was more of a conversation about unfairness, the particulars of cancer, but mostly about how important your quality of life is. When we got to class you walked around looking for attention, which you received in droves, then off and on you laid down and dozed while the students gave their presentations. Each time I got up to address the class you followed me. It quickly felt like a routine we had been doing all along, which is good because you are my sidekick from now on because where I go, you go. 

 Pandy cuddling with her sis

Tomorrow is the day they say we can begin to see how you are really tolerating the chemo. Tomorrow is a no pills day so I am hoping you do as well as you have been thus far. Because of you I am staying present and taking nothing for granted. Just hoping. Nothing wrong with hope, right girl? 

Let's see what tomorrow brings sidekick.

Love,

Mom

First Chemo Treatment - You'll let Me Know

Dear Pepsi,

Today was a big day. And a scary day - for me anyway. It started off as all our days do, with you, Pearl, Pandy and me waking up in bed together with lots of hugs and kisses. After breakfast you and I went to the mosaic mural site where I am co-teaching a class on community art practice. All the students were so thrilled to see you. You had a nice nap on the comforter in the backseat while I met with my students. We took a trip to the hardware store and everyone was so happy to see you there as they always are. What a rock star you are. We made a quick detour to the little park you like and then we went home so I could work until your oncologist appointment. Your sisters sense something is up as they don't even bark anymore when you are the only one who gets to go with me. Yesterday I took you to the beach for a short romp. The winds were fierce but you had a blast. You bring me such joy to see you so happy running along the shore and into the waves.

After the beach

A few hours before your appointment I started to feel sick to my stomach. And frightened. You seem so normal and healthy that this whole thing feels like a hoax. It hits me in waves, one minute life is normal and I can crack a smile, and  the next I am in tears and my head and heart are throbbing from sadness. I start to doubt myself and my ability to make a decision in your best interest. My neighbor told me You will know the right thing to do, you are her mom, and that part of you will kick in when it's time, Pepsi will let you know. I want to do what is best for you, even if it is to let go. We met the oncologist and he delivered somber news. If we do nothing the average is 1-2 months; however, as Rena said, Pepsi is not average. The doctor explained the protocol for chemotherapy, every 3 weeks you go to the office for the IV drip and every other day I will give you pills. We have anti-nausea and diarrhea pills if needed. On Wednesday you will see the holistic vet for integrated treatment. I will stay close over the next few days to see how you are tolerating the treatment. I promise I will put an end to it if it makes your life miserable. It is all about you but isn't it always my precious girl? They don't call you a diva for nothing!   

  Flying Economy Plus across the country in diva style

I went to get gas and some groceries while you were getting the treatment.  I sobbed at the checkout line and the cashier held onto my hand for a moment as she gave me the receipt. The kindness of strangers is very appreciated at times like this. I dropped off the groceries and fed your sisters. They look at me as if to say There is no more normal here, is it? I rushed back to fetch you not knowing what to expect, and then you bolted out the door to me as if you had been to a spa. I just can't get my arms around this horrible deception. They said it will take 3-4 days to really know how you are tolerating the chemo. In the meantime, I am sticking to you like glue and will do my best to make sure you have as much fun as possible. You are forcing me to be present and grateful when I am feeling angry, cheated and wanting to slither away. Everyday with you is a gift that I want to be worthy of. I have to do well by you since you have been my saving grace for years, through the ups and downs, good times and bad. 

Resting at home with Pandy after treatment 

You are the boss and I take my cues from you so you'll let me know, right my baby girl? 

Love,

Mom

Best Friends Forever: When One Door Closes Another One Opens

Pepsi and her BFF Maddie

Dear Pepsi,

I never thought it possible for two dogs to become best friends until you and Maddie. When you were a puppy I walked the trail along the bay without you while waiting for you to finish your 4 month quarantine until your final Rabies and booster shots. I often passed a woman who walked with her red Golden Retriever and it made me think how much I was looking forward to walking you on the trail everyday. I stopped to chat with the woman one day and pet the dog. This led to a longer conversation about our lives and dogs, and it seemed we had much in common. I learned the woman was close to my age, newly single, and lived right around the corner. Her name was Cecelia and the dog's name was Maddie. I had a good feeling about her and said I would be bringing you on the trail soon and perhaps we could walk together. 

Proud pet mommies 

The weeks passed and before you know it we becomes a foursome. Cecelia told me about the Golden Retriever meet up on Sunday mornings at 7am at Point Isabelle Dog Park on the Bay, off leash for the doggies and a cafe for the pet parents. Meeting a  new friend is always nice; however, what was so remarkable was the way you and Maddie got on. You were like two peas in a pod, playing and only having eyes for each other.When we walked anywhere near the their street you pulled me in the direction of Cecelia and Maddie's house. Cecelia and I started going to the movies  and dinner, I brought her into my circle of friends and we spent many hours just watching you guys play. Smiles were plastered across our face, and whatever personal or work stress we were experiencing (and there was quite a bit), you brought us to a happy place. It was a match made in heaven all around.  

Playing on the trail

In the water after fetching balls

When I was at work, if Cecelia was free, she would come fetch you and I would do the same for Maddie. Cecelia decided to buy a house a short drive away; however, we continued to walk and spend lots of time together. it all seemed perfect until one day when I got an email from Cecelia, who was too upset to talk, that Maddie had suddenly died. She came home from work at lunch and she was dead. I hadn't known grief like that for a long time. My gut felt carved out and hollow, I simply could not believe Maddie was gone. Rena, Jonathan and I were in a daze. We piled in the car and drove to Cecelia's house. We found a distraught Cecelia and we all cried together. Rena said something strange had happened earlier that day, around the time Maddie was thought to have died. Rena came over from her San Francisco apartment to study and get some stress release time with you. She said she found you in a corner in the living room and you would not, budge when she tried to hug you an cuddle. Very unusual. You would not leave that space for anything, as if you were inconsolable. She found it strange and wondered if you were sick but there were no signs if illness. 

BFFs at China Camp

Now some people might think that a silly tale, heavily foreshadowed by fantasy, but Cecelia and I knew better. You felt her leaving you, your other half. Of course no one can prove it but I knew the connection was deep and real. You never played with any other dogs than her. You were always friendly but never engaged other than Maddie. We often walked with a pack of dogs and people on the trail but you stuck to Maddie and only Maddie. After that day you sunk into a depressive state. I tried everything to cheer you up but you weren't having it. You pulled me towards Cecelia's old house when I took you to the trail. The depth of all our grief was unbearable. I physically ached. As a known fixer I started combing the advertisements looking for a Golden Retriever puppy to fill the cavernous hole left by Maddie's death. I had to do something because the pain was excruciating. 

You and Maddie playing on my bed

I found an ad for a puppy about an hour south in Gilroy. There were three girl puppies about 14 weeks old and I took you with me thinking you would pick the puppy.  We walked into a large yard where three pussies were playing. Instantly two came over to me and were viewing for my attention. You stood at the edge of the fence looking uninterested and eager to leave. The third puppy went to you and would not leave your side. You tried to ditch her several times but she was persistent.  She was the runt of the litter, small but tough. I was told a bit rambunctious - code for difficult. I liked her spunk and her determination to win you over. We'll take her I said, handed them a $400 check and drove north. I called the vet and let them know we would be coming for a quick check up. Rena and I had the whole thing planned, we would show up at Cecelia and surprise her with the puppy and hopefully we all might find some solace in this new baby girl.

First meeting

When Cecelia answered the door she was surprised alright. The baby was so precious, so tiny being a runt, even though she 14 weeks. We all gushed over her but you were not sold on this new creature who wanted to be with you every minute. We left Cecelia to get aquatinted with the new pup and were anxious to see her the next day. We went by early in the morning to check on them and Cecelia said she named her Pearl. I loved the name and it seemed they were getting on well; however, later that afternoon Cecelia called me and said how much she loved me for getting the Pearl but it was too soon after Maddie's death.  I swallowed hard and said no problem, I will come get her. I understood and scolded myself for acting prematurely, no matter how good my intentions. Within a few hours I had offers to take her and pay me the $400 but something in me refused. I had already invested emotionally in her and perhaps it was a distraction from my grief. It didn't really matter, I just knew she belonged to us. 

It took you a minute, and I worried that you might never warm up to her but you did and she became the only dog you would play with, as it remains until this very day. Every now and then Pandy might get a rise out of you, or Pac, but since you let Pearl into your heart it has only belonged to her. It was no surprise a few months after we took Pearl I received a call from Cecelia saying she was sure she knew the answer to her question, but was there any chance she could change her mind about Pearl? Of course you know I said no, Pearly has become your sister and companion. And while I know how much you both love each other, I also know that Maddie was special and irreplaceable. You never stopped tugging to get her house when we passed her old street on the way to the trail. BFF means just that, your best friend forever, no matter what. 

You and Maddie playing at China camp

We are so lucky to have best friends and the love and joy they bring us, right baby girl? And that's what you are to me my Peps, always and forever.

Love,

Mom

Love At First Sight

You and Jonathan the day we met you

Dear Pepsi girl,

I fell in love with you the minute I saw you. It wasn't even my idea to get a dog, I capitulated to Jonathan who wanted a dog; however, in agreeing I knew this new dog would ultimately be mine and my responsibility. Your predecessor was Molly, another Golden girl who lived 14 years through the child raising chaos. When she got sick I was in the throws of a divorce and finding myself again. The morning I said goodbye I whispered to her I should have done better for you girl. When she was put to sleep in 1994 I promised the kids we would get another dog after a proper mourning period. I admit I liked the freedom to come and go without worrying about a dog at home to feed and walk. As the kids went off to college it was just me. The house was always clean. The kids were busy as well with their grown up lives as my promise faded in the background. That is until Jonathan moved back home from his dorm room at San Francisco State and began to plead for another dog. I know I could have easily squelched it and told him to wait until he had his own place; however, part of me wanted another puppy. And the search began.

Visiting you before you could come home to us

We didn't want to pay a pricy breeder; however, we wanted a Golden Retriever. I read the advertisements in the paper and found a couple who were selling most of their litter for a reasonable sum. Jonathan and I drove to Larkspur and walked into an apartment of baby Golden pups scurrying on the floor. Your mom looked exhausted as you and your siblings nursed. Dad was just hanging out being chill. There were two girls in your litter and one was already spoken for. Jonathan picked you up and I asked, Is this is our girl? His beaming smile said it all.  He cupped you in his hands and we snapped the picture, paid our deposit and then visited you several days a week until we could take you home.  

Puppy Peps playing with toys

When you finally came home it became your world. We were all smitten with you. Your Papa complained you were treated like a royal baby, which we laughed at but he was right. You became the center of our world. Rena had just started law school and you were her stress release. Pictures of you were timed on her laptop so she could look at you while studying and in class. All her school mates came to know you from the laptop. Jonathan his then girlfriend Krystal cuddled with you in bed. Jonathan took you to obedience training that Rena and I undermined with our spoiling. It was your way or the highway. For me you were laughter at the end of the day, my jogging partner, and new baby for an empty nester. I liked having to get home to you to feed and walk. It was goodbye to the clean house and everyday brought something new chewed or torn up. However, you brought me so much joy it outweighed the added responsibility and end of the era of a perfect house. You became the heart and soul of the family in record time, even Papa had a weakness for you, coming over to walk you when I was at work since he was retired. When Gene came back into our lives he fell for you hard, and I always say he only wanted me to get to you. No one could resist you.

You and your daddy

You and mommy

I know that pet parents outlive their pets in most instances; however, I had this crazy idea you and I would be together until the end. You know how I always say to you, Pepsi, you have to stay with me forever, and while I know it's unlikely, part of me has always believed it. That changed the other day when you were in such distress you could not get up. I carried you down the stairs and into the car to the Emergency Clinic. When the doctor came and told me you had a tumor in your heart and the prognosis was not good I broke down. She suggested we think about putting you to sleep. Rena was on speaker phone and told her to back up. Shakila took the doctor our of the room and read her the riot act, and told her to give us the treatment options. The doctor said it will be expensive and Shakila told her She already told you money is no object so go back in and let us know what we can do. They took the fluid out, gave you a drip and got you stable. It's not time yet girl, and we both know it.  There is too much fight in us.

You and your sisters, Pearl and Pandy at your favorite spot, Higgins Beach

That ride to the cardiologist in Western Massachusetts was long, the wait to be seen was even longer, and it confirmed that your tumor in your heart is inoperable but chemo might shrink it enough to give us all more time together.  I am game if you are. If there is a miracle out there I am willing to believe it could be ours. I don't know why this disease comes with no prior symptoms, is so aggressive, and strikes a super healthy dog like you seemingly out of the blue. I only know I will do anything to keep you in our lives as long a possible because I cannot fathom life without you. If I get too selfish and you are in too much misery there are plenty of people who love both you and me and they will put a stop to it. But for now let's be positive. Let's treat every day as a gift and be present with each other.  Let's go to the beach, sleep close at night, you can come to school and meetings with me, the store, and receive all your favorite people who are coming to visit.

Rena crowning you Princess Peps

I am going to write everyday about our life together, past to present. I will be storyteller of our amazing journey and all the people and doggies you have touched. Let's reminisce about our adventures - the road trips, moving from California to Texas and then Texas to Maine, the plane rides in Economy Plus, resort swims, beaches, the story of Pearl and Pandy joining the family, and everyday life with your family and doggie sisters and friends. Peps, I need to do this with you and truth be told it is for me to be able to deal with lies ahead. So here we go baby girl, one day at a time. I am going to hope beyond hope the miracle is ours to claim, and if not, I will be grateful for every minute, hour, and day I have with you.  

Love,

Mom