Because I Still Have her

Because I still have her

I can make statements like Every day is a gift

She is still snuggling next to me in bed

Romping on the beach like a puppy

Bringing me the ball to toss

Popping up at the sound of her leash

Pawing her sister to play

Looking perfectly healthy most of the time

As if cancer is not eating her body

When she coughs up blood, drools, and pants excessively it’s another story

My entire being erupts in panic 

I become far less stoic

I grapple and fumble

for the right thing to do against my greed for her

There is an end in sight and no end at the same time

I don’t know quite what to make of it

because I am a holder on

And though grateful for every morning we wake up together

The truth is I am always begging for more

Because I still have her

We live in a dense and shifted reality

Amplified is what you might call it

Extracting joy and feeling moments deeply

What looms in the horizon has slowed me to a crawl  

Weed out the unnecessary

which is a lot when you actually start to do it

I stand still, gaze out windows, notice small details, consider my gestures

Pondering takes time  

I measure everything by her

Your life changes when your focus is whether breaths are being taken

And if they are, then you can fool yourself nothing has really changed nor will it

Not really

Because I still have her

I cannot choreograph this loss

When the boom is lowered

it will render me devastated and bewildered

I still feel my mother lurking around five months after her death

I think I have to go see her

I miss her and want her here again, stormy past and all

I don’t want Pepsi to leave me or live a life without her

All that empty space and hollow ground swallowing me up

There is no filling of a chasm that wide

Cavernous holes like moon craters covering my inner landscape   

Today, at least so far, I do not have to fall into it

Because I still have her