Daddy and Peps at the ER
Dear Pepsi,
I took a few days off from writing to you in the blog. Once your dad got here and I could share my mental high alert with someone, I slumped into a state of exhaustion. I wanted to stay in bed Tuesday morning, preferably for the entire day; however, I had to teach two classes and meet with students. At least I didn't have to drag you with me all day since your dad was here to stay home with you. Overall, he was impressed at how well you were doing, perky and ready for your walk at any minute. I went off to teach with the whole crew in bed, and when I came back it seemed no one had moved. Your dad worked four back to back shifts before he got on the plane so I knew you all would sleep in most the day and that's fine with me. All the students asked about you, disappointed you were not in class with me.
Snuggled together in bed
Everything seemed to be going so well until this afternoon. I was at the mural site finishing up an interview with a reporter and saw four missed calls from your dad. I called him back frantically and he told me you had coughed up blood. I jumped into the car and got home in under 10 minutes. You ran to greet me, which is better than the last time we rushed you to ER; however, nothing ever seems completely right anymore when it comes to you. Dad kept the paper towels with the blood to show the doctor, which scared me to look at them. Your holistic vet was at the desk when we bolted in and when I showed him the blood he said to put you through ER. You had no fever, no fluid around the heart, and heart rate was steady. When the doc wanted give you an anti nausea shot I felt paralyzed in making a decision. I asked her to check with your holistic vet, which she said she understood and went to consult with him. He had no problem with you getting the shot so I agreed. The problem is we are not sure if it was a cough or vomiting. In fact the vet could not really say what the problem was because it could be any number of things simple or complex. We got you home and you were drooling profusely. You ate the boiled chicken but not the pumpkin with your Chinese herbs. You seemed off to us and we debated about bringing you back to ER. After a while you bounced back a bit, no drooling and barking at your dad for his dinner. She's back, dad said, but in our hearts we know that's far from the truth.
Riding home from ER in the front seat with Dad
I scolded myself for feeling too good about your tolerance of the chemo and letting myself venture back to "normal", whatever that is anymore. With your dad here I was able to go about my regular routine solo, and while I missed you, I had a brief glimpse of life as it was before you got sick. Last night your dad woke every 30 minutes or so to check your breathing. For the first time in a few weeks I slept deeply. I warned him he would need his strength during the day - high alert is stressful and exhausting. Your dad is keeping up a good front; however, his face betrays him and I see the strain and worry. He loves you so much baby girl, and being here by your side is all he wants. You are his heart.
Greeting Dad at the bus
As I walked out the door to bike to school, I was greeted by a shower of autumn leaves cascading from the trees. I stood on the lawn and looked up at the bursts of yellow, red and orange falling in slow motion. In that moment I felt the energy of earth swallow me up. It was both foreboding and ecstatic. I saw us though the years - California, Texas, Maine. Puppy, toddler dog and now senior. We are not bound in time or space, rather in synchrony without weight or care. I thought, you and I are in the leaves as they delicately carpet the ground, in the crisp air with no longer a trace of summer, in the dark quiet night that makes no promise for tomorrow. I feel you in all places and times - when we drove 22 hours straight to Austin, joyously swimming in the ocean on the West and East Coast, in late hours of the night while writing my dissertation when you refused to leave me in my office alone. Its been us for so long I don't know how to do life without you.
My phone wallpaper since 2011
We will keep riding the roller coaster of good days and less good days like today. I will continue to look deeply into your eyes for you to tell me what you want. Everyone says I will know but honestly Peps I am full of self doubt when it comes to you. I am not one who lets go easily, which is my asset and liability. Talk to me girl I whispered as I pressed my face against yours. Your eyes were watering and breathing a bit labored. I shut my eyes and saw those falling leaves, thinking them to be a silent symphony serenading us in a sealed vacuum of time and space. There is no leaving or staying. There is only us. Before, after and always.
Love you,
Mom
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