The Anatomy of Grief

Rena and Pepsi

Dear Pepsi,

Last night Rena called after reading the daily blog. She was sobbing, talking about her dread at losing you, how unfair it is that you are sick, and she also mentioned the death of her grandmother this summer, realizing she had not taken time to grieve. Your illness triggered her sorrow. She sounded like I did when you got your diagnosis. I cried for days and at one point I wasn't sure if the source of my sadness was you or the loss of my mom. Or the loss of Frank Quan, my surrogate dad. I repeatedly said It's too much loss, I cannot take another one. I was so busy before my mom died and after, covering up the hole inside me that was too deep and painful to dive into. I painted a window and wrote two poems in a slight pause before moving on to teaching, working on the mural project, and the basement renovation. I have yet to write and send a card to Frank's cousin Georgette because it would mean confronting my profound sadness and devastation about his death. Anticipating another loss has all our heads and hearts in a tailspin.

It's just there is a landfill of sadness inside and I don't know how to paint it

Since my mom died I have been trying to get my arms around the enormity of grief. I thought about my conversation with Rena a good part of the day. I tried to explain to Papa how the sadness and aching grief comes in waves, pounding the shore and then receding, but only momentarily. I am still on high alert with you, in fact, this evening I had a slight panic attack and called Rena to share my concern that perhaps I couldn't tell anymore what your former "normal" looks like or when I should be concerned. Overall you seem to be doing quite well - tolerating the chemo, maintain your appetite, perky, and happy to be out with people. You always had low energy at night but now I read a potential pericardial effusion into it. However, I actually left you at home I went to the store and stopped by the mural to talk with Muhsana and Kansi. I felt guilty because it was nice to be out by myself. I rarely leave your side, and love having you with me, but taking a short break from the visual worry was relaxing. It is a momentary smoke screen to the underlying fear of loosing you that prevails at all times. 

Pepsi's car bed

There is an anatomy of grief that is complex and baffling. While I was pushing the cart through the grocery store I had an image of a grief skeletal system, similar to the human adult comprised of a network of tendons ligaments, and cartilage that connects 206 bones. The skeletal system performs our body's vital functions and is basically our internal framework. We know it's there but we go through our daily lives not seeing it. The anatomy of grief feels much the same to me, it's structure is part of our vital functioning, effecting all our systems, connecting a network of loss, and yet until it erupts, like your effusion, we pretend it doesn't exist. When I learned you had cancer, I could not determine where one loss ended and the other began. The overlap of my mom and Frank's death with your cancer had bled into a big pile of pain that was mounting faster than I could process. 

Birthday cookie

I have to remind myself that I am the not just the one who is dealing with your illness on my own everyday, I am also the one who gets to be with you, hold you, laugh with you and see you happy. Your family in California have to plan and schedule visits to see you. When they head home they will wonder if they will see you again. I don't envy them at all. While the days are good, and I hope they will be many, it can seem as if noting has changed; however, if it takes a turn then those who love you will clamor and plot and plan to get here. For us it will be part of a more seamless process. You and I are in a rhythm, two parts of a whole moving through time and space with a sense of destiny. Because of you I am writing daily, the house is quieter, the unessential has been eliminated and I am focused and present. When my mom had her stroke I had two choices, to let the bitterness of the past turn me away from her or to find my better and more compassionate self. I chose the later and I have no regrets.  The complex and confounding anatomy of grief may remain an unsolved mystery that lives and breathes in me with each loss; however, because of you I understand gratitude and being present like never before. Listening to Rena last night I realized despite my constant fear of your loss, I also feel a strange sense of calm. Being with you these past days has opened my eyes to living life with a different lens, we are lock step in our destiny and that is what is sustaining me. 

Love you,

Mom

  

Oh the Places We've Gone

Pepsi at the airport waiting to board the flight to Boston

Dear Pepsi,

I thought about all our travels today while we were driving in the car running errands. Our first long journey was the move to Austin. I was so nervous about leaving the Bay Area after nearly 40years and venturing to a new city and starting a PhD program at 52 years old. Having you and Pearl with me meant I was not going it alone. We drove 13 hours to Scottsdale AZ the first day. Everyone at the Fairmont Resort (off season rates). To my relief the staff loved you guys! The manager had a Golden as well and they offered to watch you both so I could go the pool and relax. We got a later start than hoped and the plan was to spend the night around El Paso. We developed a rhythm of driving and stopping every few hours to top off gas and give you a pee break. I scouted out parks and ball fields from the freeway so you could be off leash to poop. Pearl will drop and go anywhere but not you, it has to be your desired conditions or nothing. When we got to El Paso I didn't see a hotel I felt comfortable parking a fully packed car. We were spoiled at the Fairmont with valet parking at a gated resort. I kept thinking we will stop at the next larger town and find a place but that never seemed to happen. I ended up driving 22 hours straight through to Austin. We arrived at our new home at 6am exhausted. You explored the yard for a few minutes and then we three fell into bed (the only piece of furniture) and slept like logs.

 Loving the new yard in Austin

Our Austin adventure lasted four years until 2013 when I graduated with my newly minted doctorate degree in social work. I don't think I could have done it without you, Pearl and later Pandy. The first year was hell. I rented a room to a fellow student for extra cash and often took a shower so she wouldn't hear me cry. Every time I left the house to take a data analysis exam I looked at you guys and said Wish me luck girls. When I passed the final exam I came home and exclaimed We did it! You three were in my dissertation acknowledgements. I spent most of my time studying and working in my little office with you and Pearl at my feet. We made it through the first year and while it remained difficult, I hit my stride and Austin seemed more like home than California. I loved our house, the neighborhood and our frequent trips to Walnut Creek Park. When school became to stressful I came home and loaded you in the car and off to the park we went. You made me smile to see you so happy and free. You always give me perspective. We sold the house when I was offered a teaching position in Portland Maine at University of Southern Maine. It was a bittersweet departure but the next chapter was calling us East, where my story began in New England. First; however, we had to go back to California while I scrambled to find a  new home for us.

Back at the fairmont on our way to California

We made the trek West with your dad. Going solo that first trip from California to Texas was enough for me. We set our sights for the Fairmont, taking advantage of off season rates again. We were greeted with the same hospitality for our pack, this time increased from two to three. We had our own suite away from the larger hotel complex, almost like an apartment. There was a pool for our cluster of suites, which were largely empty. The staff said they would turn the other way if you guys somehow jumped in the pool. We had so much fun we stayed two nights. After a grueling four years it was my first hint at a break and I enjoyed every minute of it. After two days of fun and rest we loaded up the car and headed to the Bay Area with our Austin life pushed further into the horizon.  

The California pack swimming in San Pablo Bay

We returned to a life that was no longer ours in California. We were in limbo. I think you missed our large yard in Austin and the feeling of being in our home. I know I did. I was flying back and forth to Maine to look for houses, visiting my mom in her nursing home and trying to prepare for teaching as a new professor. Thank God Jonathan worked for an airline and the trips were free. By mid August it was clear I would need temporary housing and rented a room for the first two months, flying to California every other weekend to see you and your sisters. I was used to being away from my kids but not my girls. My emotional center collapsed without you. It took me until November 1st to move into our new home and by then it made sense to wait until winter break for us to drive East. Your Papa and I made the journey in three nights and four days, pulling in at 3am to Portland exhausted but we were finally home and a family again. My real life in Portland could commence now that my girls were with me. 

Higgins Beach romps in every season

Our first Maine summer in the backyard with your big sister Rena

Kisses

 Dripping wet beach babies

Snuggling at home

Come on Papa, let us out!

Your adventures were not over quite yet. I rented the house for two summers on Air B N B and we went to the old house in California. While the family in California was happy, particularly your dad, I longed for our house in Portland and a settled life. On top of the disruption and confusion of not being home, your Bubi died in mid July. Every week for three years I brought one or all three of you to her nursing home for visits. Her stroke left her without speech or the use of her right side. When you visited she would pet you with her left hand and close her eyes in ecstasy. You brought her joy and peace. After all since you don't talk it was even. The other patients loved seeing you as well, calling to you and reaching to pet you. I can't prove it; however, I swear having weekly visits with you and your sisters was a factor in why she stayed alive for four years after a massive stroke. 

Pandy and Bubs

After two summers I vowed it would be our last away from Maine. I renovated the basement for an Air BNB rental and swore off leaving my house ever again. The first summer you flew each way with me and the second we drove with Papa. Those road trips were brutal; however, you and your sisters handled it like champs. When we got home in mid August I thought, this is it, we are finally settled and next summer will be ours in Maine. I no longer think that far ahead. I have no idea what will be next summer, and while I hope you will be joining Pealry, Pandy and I for sunrise and sunset at the beach, there is no way of knowing. Is there ever a way to know though, cancer aside?  The sober truth is we have no idea what comes next. Planning is great, as is being prudent and trying to minimize risk; however, safety is an illusion and we are promised nothing. And while I thought I knew this, I had no idea until you got sick and my false sense of our foreverness was shattered in to a thousand pieces. Now, being with you in the moment fills me with more joy than thoughts of the future. When I watch you play with Pearl, make room for Pandy in the chair, roll with me on errands, curl up close to me at night, and make it though another day of chemo in good spirits I am humbled and grateful. When I scooped up your 5 week old self at our first encounter, I could have never known you would be my salvation, bringing me back to myself and what really matters. Thanks my darling girl.

Love you,

Mom

Me and My Shadow

Pepsi sleeping during faculty meeting

Dear Pepsi,

Today would have a good day to stay in bed and listen to the wind and rain, watch  movie or sleep. If it weren't for an all day faculty meeting we would have done just that. After breakfast and pills we dashed out of the house and were dripping wet by the time we walked into the meeting. Leaving the house with you feels like it did when I had babies, so much to carry and too few hands, making repeated trips back and forth to the house. tAnd then repeat the process getting out of car with you on leash. We are getting the system down though. Besides, wherever we go you bring smiles to people's faces and they love to pet and coo over you. And who can blame them? 

Finding your spot

After the meeting we came home so I could meet with one of my graduate students. I ask people to meet me at home whenever possible so you can rest and relax in your own home. My student offered to watch you so I could go the gym and I took her up on it. I informed her of the warning signs and told her not hesitate to call me if she had concerns, I would only be a few blocks and minutes away. I don't like leaving you, even for a few minutes. Maybe I am hyper vigilant, or perhaps not; however, I cannot take any chances. I completed my work out in 45 minutes and headed right home. You greeted me at the door with your sisters as you always do, barking with excitement. Anne said she was worried for a few minutes because you went upstairs to the bathroom to lay down. I assured her that has always been your go to space; however, since it's where we found you in distress it always feels like a warning sign now when you are in there. She also said the three of you stood by the front door looking our for 20 minutes after I left and she snapped a funny picture to show me.

Waiting for mom to come back

You have also been the darling of the Air BNB guests staying downstairs. They love to sit on the floor and play with you, Pandy and Pearl. Of course you love the attention and paw for more and more love. I am sure I will have you to thank you for any good reviews I get.

  

 Adoration from all the guests!

Here's the deal though Pepsi, I am guarded every minute when it comes to you. I am afraid to get too optimistic because you are tolerating the chemo well so far. When you are sleeping or resting I worry you might go into distress. I wonder if I am missing a sign that you are faltering. Even if what you are doing is what you always do I read my fears into it. My body and mind are on a heightened alert 24/7. When I find myself acting normal I feel like I might be getting too comfortable. I lay down and listen to your breathing. I stare into your eyes. I rarely let you out of my sight. I talk to you incessantly. I wish I could breathe you into me so I could keep you as safe and close as possible. 

 Always my wing girl

I know I have to let the levity in or it will bad for both of us. My worry will transfer to you and you will end up being worried for me. This happened when Jonathan was in 6th grade and I was fighting the school district special education department for a private school placement. I knew the consequence for him as a black male was dire if we didn't get him to a school where he was respected and could thrive academically and socially. For five months I spent every waking minute doing nothing other than work on his case. One evening I was sitting and thinking so hard my head hurt. I looked up and Jonathan was staring back at me. It felt as if we were transferring our thoughts, energy, and emotions straight through to each other. There was no separation. It crushed me to think he had entered my burden and worry, and I am certain he felt the same. No words passed between us, nor did they need to. Happily we won that battle and I saved my son from a certain fate that would have pushed him to a place he where might not have been retrievable. I know I cannot win this one completely for you, but I am doing everything possible to effect the best possible outcome. And as with Jonathan, I am using every fiber of my being. You deserve nothing less. 

Rena and Peps

Making room for Pandy

Tonight as I sat down to write you were in your other usual spot, the futon chair in my office/studio. I glanced over at you and saw Pandy trying to determine of there was room for her to join you. I got up to move a throw pillow and called her to jump up. She curled up next you and let out a contented sigh. Pepsi, you are a magnet drawing in love and positive energy. And then you emanate it for the rest of us to bask in. You have brought me to the present in ways I have never experienced. I even see things in my own paintings I never noticed before. Having you with me non stop has amplified and simplified my life at the same time. I look over and see you beside me and I am overcome with gratitude and joy. This is everything I say to myself. I will do my best to accept the good, one day at a time and with grace. For you, for me and everyone we love. Years ago I read this quote and it resonates more than ever these days.

"Every moment is enormous and it is all we have" 

Natalie Goldberg, Long Quiet Highway: Waking Up in America

Your love is my daily reminder.

Love,

Mom

And Pandy Makes Three

Our Pandy girl running at the beach 

Dear Pepsi,

I know you were happy with it being just you and Pearly. I was happy as well; however, my heart strings were tugged when I heard the story of Pandy's short and difficult life. She lived under a trailer with her mom and sister, frequently picked up by animal control until her owner paid for them to be released, only to get picked up again. Finally he left them at animal control who called the Golden Retriever Rescue to come get them. When we went to visit her she was terrified and jittery. When I approached her she ran. She had no interest in playing with you or Pearl. She was broken and had zero trust. Your dad was with us that day, and even though he lived in the Bay Area, he said let's take her. Of course the "let's" meant "us". Her foster parents were very nice and I could tell the mom, Keena, was struggling with letting her go. When Aunt Diane and I went to pick her up, Keena was crying. I told her she could change her mind, I hadn't made a full connection yet and I would understand. She paused and then reluctantly handed her over and in that momentary transfer she became ours.  

The trio at Higgins beach

I know you were not thrilled when she would try to cozy up to you. In the beginning you would jump off the bed or couch, snub any attempt she made to be close to you. You only played with Pearl while she stood by watching. Pandy didn't know much about toys or how to play with them, even at 8 months. Noises would make her jump and  she ran if you tried to put a leash on her. She got car sick every time we went somewhere so I had to be sure not to feed her before we went to the park. Just about everything terrified her. While Pearl was happy to play with her, you were still Pearl's first choice. I can't recall when you began to let her lay next to you but you slowly warmed up to her. She wore you down. You even started to paw at her when Pearl didn't want to play, which was a grand overture on your part. Over time you came to be a threesome with Pandy starting to trust us as a family. Of course she still runs out the dog door when the toaster beeps, the freezer door is opened,  I pull out the vacuum cleaner or hairdryer, but you know what I mean, she has come a long way.

Three sisters hanging out

When I first brought Pearl home I felt guilty that I didn't love her as much as you. I confessed this shameful secret to your vet who assured me in due time I would. And I did, my love for Pearly is different but as deep.  When I brought Pandy to our family I had similar concerns; however, I also had dark thoughts that if something happened to you or Pearl at least I would not be left alone. My cousin Joy said she purposely staggered her dogs for that reason. I know no one could replace you, or Pearly for that matter. Some holes will never be filled. You are all one of a kind, but you are also the first of this extended pack. You are the matriarch and reign supreme. Pandy glows when you show her attention or let her cuddle near you without moving away, which is great because I love falling asleep with the three of you surrounding me.

Sleeping tight

We grow our hearts big to love more than we think ourselves capable. We did that when Pearly came to us after the devastating loss of Maddie, and we did it again when Pandy joined our family. Love heals the wounded like Pandy who have endured cruelty and need to learn to trust again. You withheld for a while but ultimately let her in and we are the better for it. Thanks for that baby girl.

Love you so much,

Mom

East Meets West: Holistic Treatment Day

Pepsi getting acupuncture treatment from Dr. Stuer

Dear Pepsi,

Today was a good day. We woke up happy for starters. Mom want to Pilates and felt okay about leaving you alone for an hour. You flew down the stairs to greet me when I came home, full of energy and excitement. Every time I grace this doorway and see your happy face is gift. After breakfast we went to your favorite park, I met with a student and then we were off to the holistic vet, Dr. Stuer. The staff at the vet hospital sang his praises when we scheduled the appointment. I was impressed that a holistic vet was on staff and reassured we were in the right place. When Dr. Stuer came out to greet us his energy put me at ease and I felt safe for the first time since we found out you were sick. In the exam room he expressed his sorrow and then began to talk about holistic treatment. When he found out you have been eating raw for 5 years he was ecstatic - preaching to the choir he said and we did a high five! 

Close up of the acupuncture

When he examined you I felt relaxed, even hopeful. He ran his hands over your body, closed his eyes and took deep breaths. He took his cues from you. He felt the heat emanate from your body and where to put the needles. There is a stuckness and inflammation he said, and it's all about the blood flow. While did the acupuncture he talked about how Golden Retrievers have high rates of cancer and a Golden Retriever study that his two Goldens are participating in. http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/study-underway-shrinking-lifespans-golden-retrievers-article-1.2212563  It is shocking to learn about the shortened life expectancy for your breed.  My Golden Molly lived until 14 years old and was only put to sleep because of hip dysplaysia, which if she were alive today could have been corrected by surgery. He also gave me an article about the positive outcomes of Yunnan Baiyao, which you have been taking since you went to the ER last week. After acupuncture he prescribed Chinese herbs, probiotics, and an immune booster. I actually felt uplifted after seeing Dr. Stuer, which I really needed. I walked out of the clinic feeling that no matter what happens, I did everything possible for you. I need to feel that way baby girl, or I could not live with myself.

Peps in her passenger seat, rolling with mom.

Managing this illness and treatment is time consuming. My day revolves around you. There is no time to spare between work, your appointments, medications, filing claims, and daily tasks like cooking or taking the garbage out. I started an online bootcamp program the week before you got sick, and while I have not been doing the workouts much, I am cooking healthy food for myself and not slipping into a sugar coma out of despair. I am trying to take care of both of us and your sisters (barely). I have neglected them but if you continue to tolerate the chemo over the next few days, we will start going to the beach again together. Tonight as I filled out claim forms for your insurance (trying to stay on top of it) I thought of how much my life has changed since you were diagnosed. I turn down dinner invitations, keep the house quiet, and focus my energy on you. This blog is a way for me to cope and stay regular in an irregular situation. I have shed everything except what is absolutely necessary. You have filled my heart, my head and all the space in between. I am single focused. I am present. I feel moments in a big way. I am fighting for you and in that I find some peace. During Pilates this morning when the moves felt too difficult I worked harder by telling myself I was kicking the ass of those cancer cells in your body. You are my endurance, my strength and power to push on. You fuel me. I will not cave. 

Peps at Higgins Beach bringing on the joy

You are the bringer of joy. I am not just carrying you baby girl, you lift me. Our time together is thick and textured. We are compressing several lifetimes into each minute, bridging worlds, treatments, hope and despair. It would never be enough no matter how long but we will make the most of whatever we have. But today was a good day, right baby girl? As far as tomorrow, I agree with Dr. Stuer, no one really knows.

Love,

Mom

Where I go, You Go

Good morning to your toy!

Dear Pepsi,

I was so happy when we woke up this morning and you were so chipper. I have to admit, I was scared last night, you seemed so tired I carried you up the stairs. I told Rena how terrified I felt about the chemo and the thought of loosing you. I am here alone I told her, and Pepsi's wellbeing rests soley on my shoulders. I want to be sure I am always acting in your self interest. I felt dread again when I gave you the chemo pills. I took you to class at the mural site and you pulled me to greet the students. As always, you were the star of the show with everyone wanting to pet you. When it was time to leave I had to lure you to the car. I know what everyone is thinking - how can a dog so apparently healthy and active have a terminal disease? I have no answer and it infuriates me. What I do know is your spunk and joy are contagious, and you bring a smile to everyone who crosses your path, which is a lot of people since where I go, you go. 

Greeting mom's students at the mural site

Our next stop was Staples to buy a printer. You stroll in like you own the place Peps! The sales staff and customers bend down to pet and talk to you,  gushing over your good looks and personality. I realize how much fun it is to be with you most of the day, having so much quality time together. I feel guilty for leaving your sisters at home but somehow they know something is up because they don't even bark anymore when we leave the house. Dogs never cease to amaze me, reminding me it is a mistake to underestimate their capacity for understanding, and you are certainly no exception. We made one more pit stop at your favorite park for you to run and do your business, which I am more careful than ever to pick up because of the chemicals in your treatment. It was a brisk fall day, almost blistery, with the colorful fallen leaves blanketing the grass. I dug my hands in my pockets and  watched you roll around in the grass and trot across the park. I closed my eyes and lifted my head towards the sun, inhaling the fresh air. I wanted to freeze us in time as I thought This is as good as it gets, watching Pepsi be happy. 

Staples printer shopping

Enjoying the park

I came home to work for a few hours before our vet appointment. You climbed on the chair and watch me work in between napping. I like being able to turn my head slightly to the left and seeing you. I feel so grateful to be able to work at home most of the time so I can keep a constant eye on you. I give you some kisses, listen to you breathe, and your stomach growl. Time feels dense now, thick and potent. Its as if the tide could turn at any moment, therefore I am at a heightened vigilance.  I want to fold as much of you as possible inside me so you will never really leave me. And even when you do leave, you will not really be gone.

A funny thing happened this afternoon while you were on your chair. I looked over and Pandy was cuddled next to you. Strange I thought, you typically never share that space, maybe for Pearl, but not for Pandy. You seemed happy enough with the arrangement, not jumping out of the chair as you usually do. Only the FedEx driver leaving a package caused you both to pop up and dash downstairs to bark. I could watch you three go about your daily lives in this house and be perfectly happy and amused. I used to long for travel and now all I want it to stay home. Before long it was time to go to the vet and then class, and you were excited to tag along once again. The check up at your regular vet was more of a conversation about unfairness, the particulars of cancer, but mostly about how important your quality of life is. When we got to class you walked around looking for attention, which you received in droves, then off and on you laid down and dozed while the students gave their presentations. Each time I got up to address the class you followed me. It quickly felt like a routine we had been doing all along, which is good because you are my sidekick from now on because where I go, you go. 

 Pandy cuddling with her sis

Tomorrow is the day they say we can begin to see how you are really tolerating the chemo. Tomorrow is a no pills day so I am hoping you do as well as you have been thus far. Because of you I am staying present and taking nothing for granted. Just hoping. Nothing wrong with hope, right girl? 

Let's see what tomorrow brings sidekick.

Love,

Mom

First Chemo Treatment - You'll let Me Know

Dear Pepsi,

Today was a big day. And a scary day - for me anyway. It started off as all our days do, with you, Pearl, Pandy and me waking up in bed together with lots of hugs and kisses. After breakfast you and I went to the mosaic mural site where I am co-teaching a class on community art practice. All the students were so thrilled to see you. You had a nice nap on the comforter in the backseat while I met with my students. We took a trip to the hardware store and everyone was so happy to see you there as they always are. What a rock star you are. We made a quick detour to the little park you like and then we went home so I could work until your oncologist appointment. Your sisters sense something is up as they don't even bark anymore when you are the only one who gets to go with me. Yesterday I took you to the beach for a short romp. The winds were fierce but you had a blast. You bring me such joy to see you so happy running along the shore and into the waves.

After the beach

A few hours before your appointment I started to feel sick to my stomach. And frightened. You seem so normal and healthy that this whole thing feels like a hoax. It hits me in waves, one minute life is normal and I can crack a smile, and  the next I am in tears and my head and heart are throbbing from sadness. I start to doubt myself and my ability to make a decision in your best interest. My neighbor told me You will know the right thing to do, you are her mom, and that part of you will kick in when it's time, Pepsi will let you know. I want to do what is best for you, even if it is to let go. We met the oncologist and he delivered somber news. If we do nothing the average is 1-2 months; however, as Rena said, Pepsi is not average. The doctor explained the protocol for chemotherapy, every 3 weeks you go to the office for the IV drip and every other day I will give you pills. We have anti-nausea and diarrhea pills if needed. On Wednesday you will see the holistic vet for integrated treatment. I will stay close over the next few days to see how you are tolerating the treatment. I promise I will put an end to it if it makes your life miserable. It is all about you but isn't it always my precious girl? They don't call you a diva for nothing!   

  Flying Economy Plus across the country in diva style

I went to get gas and some groceries while you were getting the treatment.  I sobbed at the checkout line and the cashier held onto my hand for a moment as she gave me the receipt. The kindness of strangers is very appreciated at times like this. I dropped off the groceries and fed your sisters. They look at me as if to say There is no more normal here, is it? I rushed back to fetch you not knowing what to expect, and then you bolted out the door to me as if you had been to a spa. I just can't get my arms around this horrible deception. They said it will take 3-4 days to really know how you are tolerating the chemo. In the meantime, I am sticking to you like glue and will do my best to make sure you have as much fun as possible. You are forcing me to be present and grateful when I am feeling angry, cheated and wanting to slither away. Everyday with you is a gift that I want to be worthy of. I have to do well by you since you have been my saving grace for years, through the ups and downs, good times and bad. 

Resting at home with Pandy after treatment 

You are the boss and I take my cues from you so you'll let me know, right my baby girl? 

Love,

Mom

Best Friends Forever: When One Door Closes Another One Opens

Pepsi and her BFF Maddie

Dear Pepsi,

I never thought it possible for two dogs to become best friends until you and Maddie. When you were a puppy I walked the trail along the bay without you while waiting for you to finish your 4 month quarantine until your final Rabies and booster shots. I often passed a woman who walked with her red Golden Retriever and it made me think how much I was looking forward to walking you on the trail everyday. I stopped to chat with the woman one day and pet the dog. This led to a longer conversation about our lives and dogs, and it seemed we had much in common. I learned the woman was close to my age, newly single, and lived right around the corner. Her name was Cecelia and the dog's name was Maddie. I had a good feeling about her and said I would be bringing you on the trail soon and perhaps we could walk together. 

Proud pet mommies 

The weeks passed and before you know it we becomes a foursome. Cecelia told me about the Golden Retriever meet up on Sunday mornings at 7am at Point Isabelle Dog Park on the Bay, off leash for the doggies and a cafe for the pet parents. Meeting a  new friend is always nice; however, what was so remarkable was the way you and Maddie got on. You were like two peas in a pod, playing and only having eyes for each other.When we walked anywhere near the their street you pulled me in the direction of Cecelia and Maddie's house. Cecelia and I started going to the movies  and dinner, I brought her into my circle of friends and we spent many hours just watching you guys play. Smiles were plastered across our face, and whatever personal or work stress we were experiencing (and there was quite a bit), you brought us to a happy place. It was a match made in heaven all around.  

Playing on the trail

In the water after fetching balls

When I was at work, if Cecelia was free, she would come fetch you and I would do the same for Maddie. Cecelia decided to buy a house a short drive away; however, we continued to walk and spend lots of time together. it all seemed perfect until one day when I got an email from Cecelia, who was too upset to talk, that Maddie had suddenly died. She came home from work at lunch and she was dead. I hadn't known grief like that for a long time. My gut felt carved out and hollow, I simply could not believe Maddie was gone. Rena, Jonathan and I were in a daze. We piled in the car and drove to Cecelia's house. We found a distraught Cecelia and we all cried together. Rena said something strange had happened earlier that day, around the time Maddie was thought to have died. Rena came over from her San Francisco apartment to study and get some stress release time with you. She said she found you in a corner in the living room and you would not, budge when she tried to hug you an cuddle. Very unusual. You would not leave that space for anything, as if you were inconsolable. She found it strange and wondered if you were sick but there were no signs if illness. 

BFFs at China Camp

Now some people might think that a silly tale, heavily foreshadowed by fantasy, but Cecelia and I knew better. You felt her leaving you, your other half. Of course no one can prove it but I knew the connection was deep and real. You never played with any other dogs than her. You were always friendly but never engaged other than Maddie. We often walked with a pack of dogs and people on the trail but you stuck to Maddie and only Maddie. After that day you sunk into a depressive state. I tried everything to cheer you up but you weren't having it. You pulled me towards Cecelia's old house when I took you to the trail. The depth of all our grief was unbearable. I physically ached. As a known fixer I started combing the advertisements looking for a Golden Retriever puppy to fill the cavernous hole left by Maddie's death. I had to do something because the pain was excruciating. 

You and Maddie playing on my bed

I found an ad for a puppy about an hour south in Gilroy. There were three girl puppies about 14 weeks old and I took you with me thinking you would pick the puppy.  We walked into a large yard where three pussies were playing. Instantly two came over to me and were viewing for my attention. You stood at the edge of the fence looking uninterested and eager to leave. The third puppy went to you and would not leave your side. You tried to ditch her several times but she was persistent.  She was the runt of the litter, small but tough. I was told a bit rambunctious - code for difficult. I liked her spunk and her determination to win you over. We'll take her I said, handed them a $400 check and drove north. I called the vet and let them know we would be coming for a quick check up. Rena and I had the whole thing planned, we would show up at Cecelia and surprise her with the puppy and hopefully we all might find some solace in this new baby girl.

First meeting

When Cecelia answered the door she was surprised alright. The baby was so precious, so tiny being a runt, even though she 14 weeks. We all gushed over her but you were not sold on this new creature who wanted to be with you every minute. We left Cecelia to get aquatinted with the new pup and were anxious to see her the next day. We went by early in the morning to check on them and Cecelia said she named her Pearl. I loved the name and it seemed they were getting on well; however, later that afternoon Cecelia called me and said how much she loved me for getting the Pearl but it was too soon after Maddie's death.  I swallowed hard and said no problem, I will come get her. I understood and scolded myself for acting prematurely, no matter how good my intentions. Within a few hours I had offers to take her and pay me the $400 but something in me refused. I had already invested emotionally in her and perhaps it was a distraction from my grief. It didn't really matter, I just knew she belonged to us. 

It took you a minute, and I worried that you might never warm up to her but you did and she became the only dog you would play with, as it remains until this very day. Every now and then Pandy might get a rise out of you, or Pac, but since you let Pearl into your heart it has only belonged to her. It was no surprise a few months after we took Pearl I received a call from Cecelia saying she was sure she knew the answer to her question, but was there any chance she could change her mind about Pearl? Of course you know I said no, Pearly has become your sister and companion. And while I know how much you both love each other, I also know that Maddie was special and irreplaceable. You never stopped tugging to get her house when we passed her old street on the way to the trail. BFF means just that, your best friend forever, no matter what. 

You and Maddie playing at China camp

We are so lucky to have best friends and the love and joy they bring us, right baby girl? And that's what you are to me my Peps, always and forever.

Love,

Mom