Pepsi at the airport waiting to board the flight to Boston
Dear Pepsi,
I thought about all our travels today while we were driving in the car running errands. Our first long journey was the move to Austin. I was so nervous about leaving the Bay Area after nearly 40years and venturing to a new city and starting a PhD program at 52 years old. Having you and Pearl with me meant I was not going it alone. We drove 13 hours to Scottsdale AZ the first day. Everyone at the Fairmont Resort (off season rates). To my relief the staff loved you guys! The manager had a Golden as well and they offered to watch you both so I could go the pool and relax. We got a later start than hoped and the plan was to spend the night around El Paso. We developed a rhythm of driving and stopping every few hours to top off gas and give you a pee break. I scouted out parks and ball fields from the freeway so you could be off leash to poop. Pearl will drop and go anywhere but not you, it has to be your desired conditions or nothing. When we got to El Paso I didn't see a hotel I felt comfortable parking a fully packed car. We were spoiled at the Fairmont with valet parking at a gated resort. I kept thinking we will stop at the next larger town and find a place but that never seemed to happen. I ended up driving 22 hours straight through to Austin. We arrived at our new home at 6am exhausted. You explored the yard for a few minutes and then we three fell into bed (the only piece of furniture) and slept like logs.
Loving the new yard in Austin
Our Austin adventure lasted four years until 2013 when I graduated with my newly minted doctorate degree in social work. I don't think I could have done it without you, Pearl and later Pandy. The first year was hell. I rented a room to a fellow student for extra cash and often took a shower so she wouldn't hear me cry. Every time I left the house to take a data analysis exam I looked at you guys and said Wish me luck girls. When I passed the final exam I came home and exclaimed We did it! You three were in my dissertation acknowledgements. I spent most of my time studying and working in my little office with you and Pearl at my feet. We made it through the first year and while it remained difficult, I hit my stride and Austin seemed more like home than California. I loved our house, the neighborhood and our frequent trips to Walnut Creek Park. When school became to stressful I came home and loaded you in the car and off to the park we went. You made me smile to see you so happy and free. You always give me perspective. We sold the house when I was offered a teaching position in Portland Maine at University of Southern Maine. It was a bittersweet departure but the next chapter was calling us East, where my story began in New England. First; however, we had to go back to California while I scrambled to find a new home for us.
Back at the fairmont on our way to California
We made the trek West with your dad. Going solo that first trip from California to Texas was enough for me. We set our sights for the Fairmont, taking advantage of off season rates again. We were greeted with the same hospitality for our pack, this time increased from two to three. We had our own suite away from the larger hotel complex, almost like an apartment. There was a pool for our cluster of suites, which were largely empty. The staff said they would turn the other way if you guys somehow jumped in the pool. We had so much fun we stayed two nights. After a grueling four years it was my first hint at a break and I enjoyed every minute of it. After two days of fun and rest we loaded up the car and headed to the Bay Area with our Austin life pushed further into the horizon.
The California pack swimming in San Pablo Bay
We returned to a life that was no longer ours in California. We were in limbo. I think you missed our large yard in Austin and the feeling of being in our home. I know I did. I was flying back and forth to Maine to look for houses, visiting my mom in her nursing home and trying to prepare for teaching as a new professor. Thank God Jonathan worked for an airline and the trips were free. By mid August it was clear I would need temporary housing and rented a room for the first two months, flying to California every other weekend to see you and your sisters. I was used to being away from my kids but not my girls. My emotional center collapsed without you. It took me until November 1st to move into our new home and by then it made sense to wait until winter break for us to drive East. Your Papa and I made the journey in three nights and four days, pulling in at 3am to Portland exhausted but we were finally home and a family again. My real life in Portland could commence now that my girls were with me.
Higgins Beach romps in every season
Our first Maine summer in the backyard with your big sister Rena
Kisses
Dripping wet beach babies
Snuggling at home
Come on Papa, let us out!
Your adventures were not over quite yet. I rented the house for two summers on Air B N B and we went to the old house in California. While the family in California was happy, particularly your dad, I longed for our house in Portland and a settled life. On top of the disruption and confusion of not being home, your Bubi died in mid July. Every week for three years I brought one or all three of you to her nursing home for visits. Her stroke left her without speech or the use of her right side. When you visited she would pet you with her left hand and close her eyes in ecstasy. You brought her joy and peace. After all since you don't talk it was even. The other patients loved seeing you as well, calling to you and reaching to pet you. I can't prove it; however, I swear having weekly visits with you and your sisters was a factor in why she stayed alive for four years after a massive stroke.
Pandy and Bubs
After two summers I vowed it would be our last away from Maine. I renovated the basement for an Air BNB rental and swore off leaving my house ever again. The first summer you flew each way with me and the second we drove with Papa. Those road trips were brutal; however, you and your sisters handled it like champs. When we got home in mid August I thought, this is it, we are finally settled and next summer will be ours in Maine. I no longer think that far ahead. I have no idea what will be next summer, and while I hope you will be joining Pealry, Pandy and I for sunrise and sunset at the beach, there is no way of knowing. Is there ever a way to know though, cancer aside? The sober truth is we have no idea what comes next. Planning is great, as is being prudent and trying to minimize risk; however, safety is an illusion and we are promised nothing. And while I thought I knew this, I had no idea until you got sick and my false sense of our foreverness was shattered in to a thousand pieces. Now, being with you in the moment fills me with more joy than thoughts of the future. When I watch you play with Pearl, make room for Pandy in the chair, roll with me on errands, curl up close to me at night, and make it though another day of chemo in good spirits I am humbled and grateful. When I scooped up your 5 week old self at our first encounter, I could have never known you would be my salvation, bringing me back to myself and what really matters. Thanks my darling girl.
Love you,
Mom
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