Dear Pepsi,
Today was a big day. And a scary day - for me anyway. It started off as all our days do, with you, Pearl, Pandy and me waking up in bed together with lots of hugs and kisses. After breakfast you and I went to the mosaic mural site where I am co-teaching a class on community art practice. All the students were so thrilled to see you. You had a nice nap on the comforter in the backseat while I met with my students. We took a trip to the hardware store and everyone was so happy to see you there as they always are. What a rock star you are. We made a quick detour to the little park you like and then we went home so I could work until your oncologist appointment. Your sisters sense something is up as they don't even bark anymore when you are the only one who gets to go with me. Yesterday I took you to the beach for a short romp. The winds were fierce but you had a blast. You bring me such joy to see you so happy running along the shore and into the waves.
After the beach
A few hours before your appointment I started to feel sick to my stomach. And frightened. You seem so normal and healthy that this whole thing feels like a hoax. It hits me in waves, one minute life is normal and I can crack a smile, and the next I am in tears and my head and heart are throbbing from sadness. I start to doubt myself and my ability to make a decision in your best interest. My neighbor told me You will know the right thing to do, you are her mom, and that part of you will kick in when it's time, Pepsi will let you know. I want to do what is best for you, even if it is to let go. We met the oncologist and he delivered somber news. If we do nothing the average is 1-2 months; however, as Rena said, Pepsi is not average. The doctor explained the protocol for chemotherapy, every 3 weeks you go to the office for the IV drip and every other day I will give you pills. We have anti-nausea and diarrhea pills if needed. On Wednesday you will see the holistic vet for integrated treatment. I will stay close over the next few days to see how you are tolerating the treatment. I promise I will put an end to it if it makes your life miserable. It is all about you but isn't it always my precious girl? They don't call you a diva for nothing!
Flying Economy Plus across the country in diva style
I went to get gas and some groceries while you were getting the treatment. I sobbed at the checkout line and the cashier held onto my hand for a moment as she gave me the receipt. The kindness of strangers is very appreciated at times like this. I dropped off the groceries and fed your sisters. They look at me as if to say There is no more normal here, is it? I rushed back to fetch you not knowing what to expect, and then you bolted out the door to me as if you had been to a spa. I just can't get my arms around this horrible deception. They said it will take 3-4 days to really know how you are tolerating the chemo. In the meantime, I am sticking to you like glue and will do my best to make sure you have as much fun as possible. You are forcing me to be present and grateful when I am feeling angry, cheated and wanting to slither away. Everyday with you is a gift that I want to be worthy of. I have to do well by you since you have been my saving grace for years, through the ups and downs, good times and bad.
Resting at home with Pandy after treatment
You are the boss and I take my cues from you so you'll let me know, right my baby girl?
Love,
Mom
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