Pepsi sleeping during faculty meeting
Dear Pepsi,
Today would have a good day to stay in bed and listen to the wind and rain, watch movie or sleep. If it weren't for an all day faculty meeting we would have done just that. After breakfast and pills we dashed out of the house and were dripping wet by the time we walked into the meeting. Leaving the house with you feels like it did when I had babies, so much to carry and too few hands, making repeated trips back and forth to the house. tAnd then repeat the process getting out of car with you on leash. We are getting the system down though. Besides, wherever we go you bring smiles to people's faces and they love to pet and coo over you. And who can blame them?
Finding your spot
After the meeting we came home so I could meet with one of my graduate students. I ask people to meet me at home whenever possible so you can rest and relax in your own home. My student offered to watch you so I could go the gym and I took her up on it. I informed her of the warning signs and told her not hesitate to call me if she had concerns, I would only be a few blocks and minutes away. I don't like leaving you, even for a few minutes. Maybe I am hyper vigilant, or perhaps not; however, I cannot take any chances. I completed my work out in 45 minutes and headed right home. You greeted me at the door with your sisters as you always do, barking with excitement. Anne said she was worried for a few minutes because you went upstairs to the bathroom to lay down. I assured her that has always been your go to space; however, since it's where we found you in distress it always feels like a warning sign now when you are in there. She also said the three of you stood by the front door looking our for 20 minutes after I left and she snapped a funny picture to show me.
Waiting for mom to come back
You have also been the darling of the Air BNB guests staying downstairs. They love to sit on the floor and play with you, Pandy and Pearl. Of course you love the attention and paw for more and more love. I am sure I will have you to thank you for any good reviews I get.
Adoration from all the guests!
Here's the deal though Pepsi, I am guarded every minute when it comes to you. I am afraid to get too optimistic because you are tolerating the chemo well so far. When you are sleeping or resting I worry you might go into distress. I wonder if I am missing a sign that you are faltering. Even if what you are doing is what you always do I read my fears into it. My body and mind are on a heightened alert 24/7. When I find myself acting normal I feel like I might be getting too comfortable. I lay down and listen to your breathing. I stare into your eyes. I rarely let you out of my sight. I talk to you incessantly. I wish I could breathe you into me so I could keep you as safe and close as possible.
Always my wing girl
I know I have to let the levity in or it will bad for both of us. My worry will transfer to you and you will end up being worried for me. This happened when Jonathan was in 6th grade and I was fighting the school district special education department for a private school placement. I knew the consequence for him as a black male was dire if we didn't get him to a school where he was respected and could thrive academically and socially. For five months I spent every waking minute doing nothing other than work on his case. One evening I was sitting and thinking so hard my head hurt. I looked up and Jonathan was staring back at me. It felt as if we were transferring our thoughts, energy, and emotions straight through to each other. There was no separation. It crushed me to think he had entered my burden and worry, and I am certain he felt the same. No words passed between us, nor did they need to. Happily we won that battle and I saved my son from a certain fate that would have pushed him to a place he where might not have been retrievable. I know I cannot win this one completely for you, but I am doing everything possible to effect the best possible outcome. And as with Jonathan, I am using every fiber of my being. You deserve nothing less.
Rena and Peps
Making room for Pandy
Tonight as I sat down to write you were in your other usual spot, the futon chair in my office/studio. I glanced over at you and saw Pandy trying to determine of there was room for her to join you. I got up to move a throw pillow and called her to jump up. She curled up next you and let out a contented sigh. Pepsi, you are a magnet drawing in love and positive energy. And then you emanate it for the rest of us to bask in. You have brought me to the present in ways I have never experienced. I even see things in my own paintings I never noticed before. Having you with me non stop has amplified and simplified my life at the same time. I look over and see you beside me and I am overcome with gratitude and joy. This is everything I say to myself. I will do my best to accept the good, one day at a time and with grace. For you, for me and everyone we love. Years ago I read this quote and it resonates more than ever these days.
"Every moment is enormous and it is all we have"
Your love is my daily reminder.
Love,
Mom
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